My First Day at Work, or the Time I Accidentally Became CEO

People say the first day at a new job is always a little awkward. But mine? Oh, mine was historic. I didn’t just make a strong impression—I triggered a small corporate revolution, inspired a mariachi band uprising, and possibly got promoted to CEO by accident. Or maybe I dreamed the whole thing. Who knows?

It started like this: I showed up exactly three hours early because Google Maps miscalculated the commute... by 176 miles. So naturally, I arrived at the building sweaty, confused, and carrying a breakfast burrito the size of a cat. I walked into what I thought was my office—turned out it was the executive boardroom during a live Zoom conference with shareholders.

I tripped over a briefcase, faceplanted into a speakerphone, and somehow shouted:

“WE NEED TO INVEST IN SPACE LOBSTERS!”

Silence.

Then applause.

Apparently, the stock price jumped 8% in five minutes. My new nickname became “Lobster Visionary.” Nobody questioned my presence—probably because I was wearing my cousin's old suit that had a faint glittery shimmer. That, combined with my confident strut (to the vending machine), made everyone assume I was a disruptive thought leader. Or a magician. Maybe both.

Things only got weirder when I wandered into HR looking for the bathroom and was handed a stack of onboarding forms... written entirely in Latin. I tried to play it cool by nodding solemnly and whispering, "Ah, the old ways."

By lunchtime, I had accidentally joined three departments, two office fantasy football leagues, and a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. I was also somehow dating the company’s coffee machine. Its name was Bruno, and we shared a love of dark roast and passive-aggressive hissing.

The highlight? Oh, that came when I was asked to give a motivational speech to the entire staff. I panicked, stood on a filing cabinet, and shouted,

“IF WE BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH, SPREADSHEETS CAN FLY!”

Then I flapped a few Excel printouts in the air and chucked them like paper planes. The intern thought it was performance art. The CFO cried. I’m not sure why. Might’ve been the lack of pivot tables.

By 4 PM, I had an office, a nameplate that said “Vision Architect,” and a reserved parking spot next to the janitor’s pet iguana, who I swear winked at me. Or maybe I was just dehydrated.

Anyway, I never actually found out what the company does. Or if I was even hired in the first place. But I get direct deposits every Friday, and nobody’s asked me to leave.

So yeah, I’d say my first day went pretty well.