Pull up a chair. Don't mind the dust. And for heaven's sake, don't drop any crumbs. You want to hear about the tree roach? Fine. Their story is a short, sad tale of ambition and failure.
Long ago, all roaches lived outside. They were happy. They ate leaves and rotten wood. They lived under nice, cozy bark. They knew their place.
Then, some roaches got ideas. They saw our houses. They saw our warm, dry kitchens. They saw our trash cans. They thought, "That looks better than a tree."
So, they tried to move in. The German cockroach? A champion. He loved it inside. The American cockroach? The sewer king. He made himself at home.
But the tree roach? The poor Smokybrown cockroach? He's the try-hard of the roach world. He wants to live inside so badly. But he's just not good at it.
He crawls in through the attic. He hides in your shrubs. He flies toward your porch light like a tiny, stupid moth. He thinks he's made it.
But he hasn't. He can't survive inside. It's too dry for him. He gets lost. He ends up on his back on your floor, legs wiggling in the air. A complete failure.
He dreams of being a big, important indoor pest. But he'll always be just a tree roach. A wannabe. A cautionary tale about reaching for a life you're not built for.
And that's the history. Don't look so sad for him. He's still a pest.
Questions & Answers
1. If it's called a tree roach, why is it in my house?
Because it's confused. It's attracted to light and moisture. Your house is just a big, bright, wet tree to it. It doesn't know it's a failure yet.
2. Are tree roaches dangerous like other roaches?
Not really. They're mostly just disgusting and clumsy. They don't breed indoors like German roaches. They're more of a nuisance than a plague. A pathetic nuisance.
3. What's the best way to deal with them?
Seal up your house. Fix screens. Turn off outside lights. Make your home boring. They're easily discouraged. Unlike some of us, they get the hint quickly.
If you ever have the real pros move in—the German ones—you’ll need more than a hint. You’ll need the big guns. But that's a story for another time. For that kind of history lesson, you might need to know a pest control guy.
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