Yesterday, I told you about this formation.
I warned you. I drew diagrams. I even used my laser pointer, which, frankly, is the only reason half of you stayed awake.
But clearly… someone wasn’t listening.
Because this morning, when I arrived at the park, there you all were — standing in what could only be described as “a human pretzel attempting yoga.” The “formation” I had taught you yesterday? Gone. Replaced by chaos.
Let’s rewind.
The formation was simple: The Triangle of Safety. Three people at each point, facing outward, hands ready, eyes scanning. Why? Because we were preparing for The Incident. I didn’t know what “The Incident” was — no one does — but I was told by a man in a trench coat at 3 a.m. that “when the day comes, you’ll know.”
Fast forward to today, and instead of the Triangle of Safety, we had:
Brad holding a sandwich like it was a sacred relic.
Tammy explaining to a squirrel why “manifesting abundance” was important.
And Carl — oh, Carl — wearing a traffic cone on his head like he’d just been knighted by the Queen of Confusion.
Then it happened.
A massive swarm of geese descended upon the park. I’m talking military precision. They were in perfect V-formation — the correct formation. And you know what? They knew. They knew we weren’t ready.
Brad’s sandwich was gone in seconds. Tammy tried to negotiate with the geese about “shared resources” but was met with relentless honking. Carl? He charged, cone first, into the fray… and was immediately lifted two inches off the ground before being dropped like an unwanted grocery receipt.
When the chaos settled, the geese left, victorious. The Triangle of Safety had failed — no, you failed the Triangle of Safety.
And that’s why, tomorrow, we’re upgrading.
Forget triangles. We’re moving to The Pentagon of Preparedness.
And this time, I really hope you pay attention.
But just as I finished explaining the Pentagon of Preparedness, a shadow passed over us.
I looked up.
It wasn’t geese this time.
It was… something bigger.
And it was flying in perfect Pentagon formation.
I warned you. I drew diagrams. I even used my laser pointer, which, frankly, is the only reason half of you stayed awake.
But clearly… someone wasn’t listening.
Let’s rewind.
Fast forward to today, and instead of the Triangle of Safety, we had:
Brad holding a sandwich like it was a sacred relic.
A massive swarm of geese descended upon the park. I’m talking military precision. They were in perfect V-formation — the correct formation. And you know what? They knew. They knew we weren’t ready.
When the chaos settled, the geese left, victorious. The Triangle of Safety had failed — no, you failed the Triangle of Safety.
And that’s why, tomorrow, we’re upgrading.
Forget triangles. We’re moving to The Pentagon of Preparedness.
And this time, I really hope you pay attention.
But just as I finished explaining the Pentagon of Preparedness, a shadow passed over us.
It wasn’t geese this time.
It was… something bigger.
And it was flying in perfect Pentagon formation.
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